Month 4 with Baby – I Think I Hate My Husband
May went by easier than the first three months but gave me a new set of challenges, not to mention my first bout with mastitis.
The challenges I’m really talking about are my relationship with my husband and myself.
There’s an idea that mommy bloggers sometimes are just too personal, too real –selfies with tired eyes and bed head or proudly showing off their nursing positions and expressed milk. Writing too truthfully about their labor experience, postpartum blues/anger, and sex after baby.
Think about the children! Your kids will grow and read your post where you said that you didn’t feel attached.
Think about your partner! Why put out all your relationship and bedroom worries out there for the world to read?
Honestly, I was once one of those people- why does everything need to be so public nowadays? Now, trying my hand at this mom thing, I finally get it.
The Struggle is Real, Y’all
The reason is, well my reason is, having worked my way through ten years in a foreign country, I’m now stuck at home. Saying it like that gives me so many complicated feelings.
I’m grateful to have a baby after trying for a while, grateful to have wonderful maternity and child care leave, and grateful that right now, at least, I don’t have to rush to get back to work.
Do those things mean that I should just have suck it up, sit here at home and shut myself from the rest of the world and focus all on baby and do housework all day?
If I didn’t go for my walks twice a day, I would not have much contact with adults. It’s lonely being home only with baby and dog. I adore them, but it’s hard by myself, even though I asked for this life.
Now I get it. Having a blog, joining a Facebook group, posting tons of baby pics on Instagram, etc. is a way to connect, vent feelings, and recharge.
Scrolling on my IG feed I’ve seen comments like, “I’ve had it with all this fucking crying.” “I swear to God my husband is literally the most useless man on this Earth.” and I’m like, when did I write that? Only to find out it was someone I’m following. It makes me feel so much relieved that I’m not alone, though it feels like it at times.
Thank You, Social Media
I like being able to use IG and this blog to connect with other moms, seasoned and first-timers just like me. Even if readers don’t leave a comment, it’s really comforting to know that someone has taken time out of their life and listen (read) about my problems.
As I work on my blog and stat a freelance writing career, I feel like things with my husband… I don’t have the words. I know he cares and he tries, but in my mind, my life philosophy that helped survive life in Japan, my motto is simple- Don’t try, do. Whatever you do, do it right the first time so there’s no need to go back and redo it. that one is clearly from my mother but it makes so much sense to me now.
Why didn’t I notice these things in his personality before baby was born? Has he always been this useless??? And me, have I always been this angry? I know I’m an Aries, but damn, I feel like I’m in Samuel L. Jackson mode every moment of my life.
Me: (Trying to be nice) Honey, could you take out the trash?
Husband: (On Facebook, never looks up) What?
Me: (Gritting teeth, trying to stay calm) Take out the trash, please.
Husband: (Still on that phone) What?
Me: (SLJ mode) Say “what” again. SAY “WHAT” again! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say “what” one more time!
Spending all day nursing and comforting baby while trying to hold down the fort means that once she’s asleep, it’s time for me to relax before husband comes home. Talking sometimes turns to arguing, and I don’t like it. Obviously, no one like arguing with their SO, and sometimes I feel like we’ve just become roommates.
Still, I am fortunate that husband is understanding. Since he’s so close with his sister, he’s already been warned way before the arrival of baby of just how much things between us will change.
I’ve been told that it gets better, but there’s no set time period when the blues and rage stop. So it’s good, definitely for my husband, that I go away for sometime. And, I definitely need the space as well. Baby and I will head off to the States first, then he will join us in a few weeks. I hope that the change of scenery will help me move forward.