Month 12 With Baby – Moving On When You Really Want To Give Up
This is the final installment in my “A Year with Baby” series. And, it will probably be the realest post here on Baby Kaiju.
I can’t stress enough how underprepared I was (am) for this moming thing. And knowing that there are moms out there with multiple children, I’m speechless. How do you do manage?
“I’m just winging it: life, eyeliner, everything.” I see this meme on my Instagram every week, and God I get it. There’s nothing in this world that can prepare you for the ups and down of motherhood.
My monster is official one year old and it’s been a rocky road of intense, scary mood swings.
The joy you get when your little one smiles; frustration you get when you have to pull a climber off the sofa again; anger you get when you do everything for everyone in the house but there’s no one return the favor to you. The list goes on.
Then, a new day comes, and it’s time to give it one more go.
My first day back at school as a relief teacher was just horrible. New kids, new school, new coworkers, new routine.
My husband just started paternity leave and yet he had the nerve to complain about how tough being at home was. I was home for 9 months and still managed to cook, clean, do laundry, and have dinner ready. But, he couldn’t even bother with dishes. We argued. A lot. (Still do)
Watching the baby cry as I left for work tore me up inside. Constant calls and text that the baby was doing this or that. WTF can I do when I’m not there?
Yet, December came and went. Now, I feel so natural in the classroom. And, you know what? The monster doesn’t even care when I leave for work! She waves good-bye and goes off to play.
We’re still doing the co-sleeping thing, and breastfeeding. Babyled weaning is going great, too.
She goes to daycare once or twice a week and she’s picked up so many social cues. It’s incredible to watch her share, try to clean up messes with tissues, and do Itadakimasu when it’s time to eat.
My contract is reaching its end, and I don’t know if I will be able to return to work given the daycare shortage. I’ve written about my decision to become a freelance writer and the efforts I make to brand myself as one.
But, being able to work from home is wonderful…even though it can be really stressful. I’ve completed many deadlines nursing little Kaiju to sleep. I’ve also got angry because I had to stop mid-outline to see what’s up with her.
Finding my niche was tough. Getting the confidence to send emails to websites and companies was even harder. Somehow I did it, and I’m eager to start my next phase – ebook, giveaway and product launch.
I probably wouldn’t have thought about a writing career if it weren’t for my monster. I enjoy being home with her and seeing her grow, but not every day is sunshine and rainbows.
In fact, it seems like whenever I feel like I get the hang of being a parent, I lose focus in my relationship. I’m still filled with a lot of resentment, and letting go of it is hard. Meditating, reading the Bible, engaging with other moms on social media can only go so far.
The resentment and anger (there’s lots of anger, trust me) is nothing compared to my feelings of being inadequate. I wish I could run away sometimes. Or, just do it all on my own. Marriage after baby sucks, and I don’t know how other couples do it.
I’m not talking about physical issues. I’m talking about: I spend all day cleaning up snotty noses and I come home to take care of the baby– would it really hurt you to do xxxx?
Does that make me selfish? Maybe? But I’ve decided that big or small, I won’t hide my feelings anymore. Communication is key. Otherwise I erupt over tiny things. Learning to be true to myself while mending my relationship is the next phase for me.
I’m sure there will be times I will want to run away, but I just gotta take it one day at a time. That’s all I or anyone else can do. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned. No need to stress or strive to be perfect.
Some nights dinner won’t get made. My living room will forever look like a toy store. When I look comfortable the baby will always want my undivided attention
My new motto:
Just wing it. Life, eyeliner, everything.
Here’s to my second year (and beyond) with the monster — and this blog!
Month 12 With Baby – Moving on When You Really Want to Give Up
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